Bulgarians say no the wrong way and priests are very good with secrets: an essay on religion

Okay, so we've had a couple of very weird moments this week. Like, I started that Belgian piece mocking a very interesting country and ended up kinda declaring my undying and eternal love for someone. So yeah, that was weird. It got very weird very fast. But we did it, people. Three essays in one week. You know what that means? I will probably go one fucking month without publishing anything because I am a fucking random number generator with pants.

But hey, we did the death penalty, and then we did a lot of weird stuff. And we should not talk about that ever again. And now, let's do something that makes people very calm and definitely, definitely won't end in someone sending a bomb to my home.

This one is about religion.

So, religion. Everyone is so fucking reasonable about this, right? It's not like we've had thousands of years of religious war. That would be stupid, because every major religion asks its followers, like, do not kill. And yeah, religious war is absurd, right? Right? Right? So, yeah, let's not go there.

So, religion. When I was discussing writing this piece with the person who works as my sounding board slash source of inspiration, I was telling her, you know, however long we stay close to each other during our lives, I don't think that's enough. So we should completely align our beliefs so we're sure that after we die, we'll be in the same place. And I think that's the best description of religion ever. And I'm very proud of it.

Because if you think about it, nobody is perfectly sure about where they are going after dying. But organized religion offers this very safe scaffold that allows you to say, hey, it doesn't matter if I don't know where I'm going, because all these motherfuckers are going down with me. And, you know, misery loves company, right? Right? And I think that summarizes the whole human experience with religion in a very interesting way. I think we have a complete picture, right? Okay, people, great news. That's a wrap. Everyone take five. Congratulations. That's a piece.

What? More?

Okay, I can do more. So the whole "let's go all together into that good night" part is actually kind of cute. But the problem with religion starts when you start thinking about how you should not only go with all your friends to wherever you are going after death. In my case, I hope I am going to a place that has both booze and karaoke. Because I have the voice of an angel. And probably the liver of one at this point.

The problem is when you decide that you not only have to go with your friends to wherever you are going, but you also have to send all the people who don't believe what you believe to whatever bad destination you've assigned them.

And yeah, now we have religious war.

And that's the fucking problem.

That's a very big problem because, for you, whatever your religion is, it means everything. It's literally sacred. And your afterlife is at stake. But for everyone else who doesn't believe what you believe, your religion is nothing more than mythology. And that dichotomy makes all religions equally worthless in the eyes of everyone else. It's not me saying this. It's logical. Say you believe that we are living in a dream a baby is having. If I'm in it, it's a nightmare. Good night, baby. And the moment the baby awakens, we are all gone.

But there are other people who say the things you used to do when you were young—no, baby, can't think about that. So you're definitely living in the fever dreams of a teenager. And they find a lot of sense and meaning in being in the dreams of a teenager. And when the colliding worldviews, well, collide, you get a lot of beautiful words for very ugly actions like, I don't know, murder and genocide and forced conversions.

And hey, Bulgarians told me a very interesting story many years ago. They say yes and no the opposite way because, when they were forced to convert to some religion that practiced forced conversion, they would say no while nodding their heads because otherwise they would be stabbed in the head with a sword. With the stabby bit of a sword, yeah. Sounds really, really uncomfortable. Like, if at all possible, don't do that.

And it also sounds not very peaceful. So yeah, if someone wanted to adopt a beautiful sentence like, I don't know, "May tranquility stay with you," or something similar, they probably shouldn't be doing this. Yeah, are we all in agreement? And I'm pretty sure some of you are ready to launch another religious war because, yeah, those barbarians were forcibly converting those poor Bulgarians. And Bulgarians—I never knew how important Bulgarians were to me until I knew they had been forcibly converted, like, a thousand years ago.

So to war we go, in the name of God. Alexander Nevsky!

And please stop.

Sit down.

You put that partisan back. You unstitch that Red Cross from your shirt. That's an order. Sit down.

Because yes, a lot of people have suffered because of religion. But not because of one religion. No, no, no. No, no, no. We have the whole Crusades thing. We killed seventy thousand in Jerusalem, they killed twenty thousand people in San Juan de Acre in a day. And there were women and children. How was that Star Wars line?

"Not just the men, the women and children too." Was Anakin Skywalker participating in a crusade? And after that, obviously, came the whole Inquisition business, which was again very uncomfortable. The pear of anguish: big no-no. Especially if it is not consensual. And after that, obviously, there were still religious tribunals trying to keep some people from talking.

And after that there was the whole "homosexuality is very bad unless it's a priest and a child and, whatever happens, keep it under wraps." And I don't remember exactly what encyclical it was, something about solicitation in the title, which is appropriate. And some people will be saying, like, yes, that was exactly why we protested. That's the reason those theses were nailed to the door of a fucking church. And Martin Luther was a fucking saint—except we don't believe in saints because those are not in the Bible.

So to religious war we go. We ride.

And again, please sit down.

That's your brother. You believe the same as him. Calm the fuck down and put the sword back. Because I can't even. Is it ridiculous that the Pope has, like, more jewelry than a Shakespeare character? Yes. When the leader of a religion has more bling than most rappers, that's stupid. But you people, you Protestants, insist on turning horrible people into religious leaders. And then giving them Pope-level access to the world.

And for God's sake, Christ did his whole ministry walking, sailing in a fishing boat, or riding a donkey. But we have preachers who have three planes because one is not enough. Because they need one to carry their hypocrisy and another to carry the bubbling irony of preaching the word of a humble carpenter while riding in fucking luxury planes. So, yeah.

And the Buddhists amongst you will be saying, like, yes, yes, we are the best because we don't even have a god. So we are so tolerant and we are so in balance and we would never have religious clashes and we would never, ever, ever, ever, ever let a monk burn himself to death to prove a stupid point, right?

But don't get the wrong impression. Interreligious conflict is something to behold, sure, but it doesn't mean they can't cooperate when the situation calls for it. And it calls for it quite frequently, especially if it has to do with whom someone loves or with basic rights like abortion or not treating women like property.

-"But abortion kills children! Children, I tell you!"

-"Well, that's the idea, genius. Wasn't exactly thinking it would end in an Ivy League full ride, did you?"

And the interesting thing about the whole faith part of religion is that it's always personal. It shouldn't be used to make public policy.

Why?

Because when you turn your religion into public policy, you are basically enforcing your moral code on people who don't want to follow it. And that's definitely a form of violence. Yeah. And we love violence, right? And, for example, I have a very funny story from like two days ago. I was at the supermarket, and I am very good at making shopping lists. And then getting distracted, not looking at them, and ending up visiting the fucking supermarket like three times.

So I was about to go to the checkout line when I remembered that I was missing something. And I was like, oh my God. I'm forgetting stuff. And I spun around on my heel and went to find whatever it was I was forgetting. I've already forgotten again, so it must have been very important. And when I got there and found the item, I was like, "Oh, thanks Satan."

And I was being stupid. I use "thank Satan" as an exclamation a lot, specifically because I don't believe Satan exists. So when I do something bad or absurd, it's just some stupid behavior that will allow the reader to tally my mental age because apparently I share a linguistic quirk with fucking Bart Simpson. And, well, I picked up my item and went to the register. And to my absolute delight, there was this old lady nearby.

And she was praying because I had mentioned Satan. And now she needed extra protection. I'm kinda glad she didn't have, like, bullets boiled in holy water because I would have been shot. And that illustrates the issue quite well. What issue? I can't keep my fucking mouth shut. Yes.

But also, we tend to get very worked up about these belief systems. And they are personal. Whatever you believe, it is personal. So I want to live in a world in which every religion is tolerated. Well, maybe not every single religion. Can we all agree that Scientology is kinda wacko?

Okay, no, no, no. I don't want to get sued into Sunday, so whatever. Xenu is also cool. But yeah, most religions, unless they are very, very, very stupid and don't allow transfusions, in vitro fertilization, or medical treatment. If you look dumber than the Scientologists, something is wrong. Looking at you, weird fundamentalist Christian cults.

And really, people, you never know the risk level until it's too late. Check your thetan levels today. Or you'll have to live forever in a volcano, date Tom Cruise, and be friends with old-age-weird-looking Travolta, who definitely should not be dancing and should consult a physician if he experiences Saturday night fevers or eats too much grease. Most religions only ask for internal growth and respect and tolerance and love. Some other religions also want us to find, like, inner balance and be attuned to every impulse and embrace both good and bad.

But who has time for Buddhism, really? I can go to church, I can pray, and I can definitely give some money. But inner balance? Come on. Get out of here. And this, sadly, risks us falling headfirst into Marx's tomb, and he hates that. Everything can be common except grave space.

Because religion, as Marx said, is the opium of the people. And when he said that, he wasn't saying, like, religion bad. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He was saying, like, feed those motherfuckers that shit in such a quantity that they live happy. Because no government policy can make that moment of the night in which you wake up and start thinking about the universe and ask yourself the question:

What will happen to me after I die? Will it hurt? Will I still be aware? And what happens to my Time magazine—sorry, People magazine—Sexiest Man Alive three-years-in-a-row award? Can I take that with me? I know I can't take money, but being the Sexiest Man Alive is way more important than money.

So, as I said at the beginning, there are people with whom time seems to be very valuable. And these people, we want to keep close even after death. And in that case, we need to find a way to align our beliefs with theirs. But the important part is that, as always, this must be consensual and negotiated.

Like, I believe in the Nuclear Child. I think that the cult of the Nuclear Child was dead before its time, and it's time to bring it back. Was it a cult? Or just a subset of fundamentalist Christianity? Either way, I used to have nightmares about that Nuclear Child pamphlet, and we need it back! There's not enough fear in our world.

So if you don't want to believe in the Nuclear Child, well, we have to negotiate a way in which we can still go to the same place, together, in peace and love, because that's what the afterlife should be about, right? And, and I want you all to reflect. If you really believe that you are right and everyone else is wrong, then you can't murder the people who are wrong, because you are extinguishing their hopes of ever being right.

So that's my invitation. Let's do religious outreach from a position of love and tolerance, because that's what religion is really about. And we really should restructure our way of dealing with people who don't want to be religious and who are assholes about religion. And everyone needs to kind of start tolerating both apostasy and heresy.

Especially apostasy.

Because if you can't stop being part of a religion, then it's not a religion.

It's a jail.

And freedom is our God-given gift, so it's kind of a big deal. So yeah.

Tolerance, tolerance, tolerance.

So there it is, people. Someone will probably say in the comments, like, "Ah, you went soft on this one." And yeah, I went soft. Sorry, I'm almost forty. What can I say? We could go the whole day about this, or we could stop here. But that's not important.

The only important part is: if you are gonna date Tom Cruise, date Tom Cruise when he played David in Vanilla Sky, because God, was that guy a dream back then. And hey, whatever your religion is, learn to enjoy it in peace and be happy about it. And I hope your afterlife comes perfectly and it's all you want from it—and takes a fucking century to get here.

Because hey, our world is kinda nice. So yeah, this is it, people. Now, if you all idiots want to start another crusade or a jihad or whatever, or if any monk present wants to immolate himself in a fiery fire, well, this is the moment. Everything I've said, we've been saying for like two thousand years.

So this will change nothing.

Now, the weekend is coming, and that means doing something morally reprehensible in someone else's mind. And they hate it. Like when a Christian fundamentalist goes into sweaty, excruciating detail about the way those gays are doing gay things to each other, gets all uncomfortable and flushed, and needs to take a few minutes alone to pray because it made him so tingly. It's like the guy who insulted my shoes. Now he's insulting my gym routine videos. The ones he shouldn't be watching.

What's that about?

Either way, love is love...

Peace.